


i hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old

by themadmage



Series: themadmage's Harry Potter one-shots and standalones [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Drug Addiction, Dysfunctional Relationships, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Moving On, Past Relationship(s), Reflection, Sad with a Happy Ending, Songfic, Therapy, colors by halsey, eh maybe you should decide that for yourself lol, it hurt me too, sort of happy anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14530533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadmage/pseuds/themadmage
Summary: Remus reflects on his failed relationship with Sirius Black and the collision course his ex lives on. Inspired by the song Colors by Halsey.





	i hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old

_Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so_  
_You said your mother only smiled on her tv show_  
_You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope_  
_I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old_

Remus had always known that Sirius had a difficult childhood. They grew up together at school, and he saw the signs in his friend from a young age. He craved attention of any kind and would do anything to get it, but shied away from most affection as if it were unfamiliar. Eventually, he opened up on the details - a cold, uncaring mother and a father prone to violent outbursts. Remus agreed with Sirius that his parents were fairly terrible. They disagreed, many times, on his brother Regulus.

Remus could see the admiration in Regulus' eyes when he looked at Sirius. He could see the love that the younger brother had never learned how to express. Sirius only saw the inaction in the face of their parents' misdeeds, and the fact that Regulus was the favored son. He didn't see that the favor of their parents, the expectations and conditional love, wore down Regulus just as thoroughly as the harsh words that Sirius faced.

Remus and Sirius started dating when they were seventeen. Remus had been pining for Sirius for years at that point, and hoped that his attentions could heal Sirius in some way. Make him more focused on school, and on having somewhere to go when he left home, by giving him something good to hold onto. Looking back, Remus realizes that he wanted to fix Sirius with his love, and knows that it was never possible. Sirius just barely graduated high school, his limited success due in large part to the homework he copied from James. In one of his more foolish decisions, Remus put off college for a year to help Sirius prepare to retake his entrance exams. It was during that year that he realized Sirius was using.

Remus, Sirius, and James had experimented a couple of times in school, but never with anything big. Pot and beer, mostly. There was that one time James got some acid, and they had all said they didn't want to do anything like that again. Remus was ashamed to say he didn't notice his friend's drug problem until Sirius stole his watch - and he definitely knew that it was the only thing Remus had from his grandfather and how important it was to him - in order to get money for drugs. Heroin. It was when he confronted him about the watch that he noticed his friend's weight loss, his intensified mood swings, the way he had pulled away from James and tried to pull away from Remus - all things he had previously attributed to stress, or the emotional upheaval of finally leaving his parents' house. When Sirius tried to brush off Remus' concerns, Remus left. If Sirius wanted to kill himself slowly, Remus didn't want to watch.

_You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_  
_You're spilling like an overflowing sink_  
_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_  
_And now i'm tearing through the pages and the ink_

The thing about Sirius was that he was just so much. He was beautiful and intense, blinding but you couldn't look away. Their separation lasted two weeks. Remus had tried to leave Sirius, hoping that he would see what the drugs were costing him, but he couldn't keep his distance. Looking back Remus isn't sure if Sirius would have changed had he truly left, but he is sure the whole affair would have hurt less. Their relationship continued on and off, Remus trying several different approaches to Sirius and his drug problem. Ultimatums, begging Sirius to get help, ignoring the issue, appealing to James and to Regulus, involving the police. The only thing it did was make Remus tired.

_You were a vision in the morning when the light came through_  
_I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you_  
_You said you'll never be forgiven till your boys are too_  
_And I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you_

Remus did go to college the following year, about an hour from their hometown. Tutoring sessions had long since been exchanged for conflicts, and at this point Remus didn't care if Sirius passed his entrance exams as long as he stayed alive. Whenever they texted Sirius would refuse to answer Remus' questions about his life, so Remus eventually stopped asking and their conversations became a one-sided account of Remus' adventures studying history. Remus visited his hometown most weekends. He cooked for Sirius and tried to force him to eat, and refused to leave his side in the hopes that for a couple of days he wouldn't get high. When Sirius came out of the bathroom with his pupils constricted to pinpricks, Remus swallowed his comments, swallowed his disappointment, and subtly monitored his boyfriend for signs of overdose.

They finally broke up for good during Remus' winter break. It was Sirius who ended it. No surprise, since Remus had shown himself incapable of staying away. When Sirius blew up at him that last time, Remus found himself nursing bruises on his wrists and ribs for days afterwards. 

_You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_  
_You're spilling like an overflowing sink_  
_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_  
_And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink_

It was in the wake of that explosion that Remus realized how destructive something beautiful could be. Like waters that eroded the earth until cliffs and canyons formed, or staring into the sun until your retinas burned. He realized this wasn't the first time Sirius had hurt him, even if it was the first time they had come to blows. He spent the rest of his break reconnecting with his family, and with James. When he went back to school he told himself he would focus on his studies and forming new relationships, only being careful to avoid anyone who was too intense - too like Sirius.

_Everything is blue_  
_His pills, his hands, his jeans_  
_And now I'm covered in the colors_

_Pulled apart at the seams_  
_And it's blue_  
_And it's blue_

_Everything is grey_  
_His hair, his smoke, his dreams_  
_And now he's so devoid of color_  
_He don't know what it means_  
_And he's blue_  
_And he's blue_

At first, Remus saw Sirius everywhere. He avoided parties, not wanting to risk coming into contact with the substances that were destroying his friend and ex-lover. He avoided the loud, exuberant types that he had gravitated towards in high school - luckily quiet thinkers like him were in no short supply in the history department. He avoided making connections deeper than acquaintances. Within months, he realized he was closing himself off entirely and becoming depressed. He wondered if Sirius had felt this way when they were in school. He had certainly seemed depressed from the outside. Remus did what Sirius never had, though, and sought out help from a counselor.

_You were red, and you liked me because I was blue_  
_But you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky_  
_Then you decided purple just wasn't for you_

"He told me I'd changed," Remus scoffed, "in the end. As if I was the one changing."

"Perhaps you did."

Remus considered his counselor's words. It was true, he decided, that he was a different person than he had been when they graduated high school. But those changes came from being worn and beaten down and from refusing to put his own needs first.

"If I changed, he was the one who changed me."

_Everything is blue_  
_His pills, his hands, his jeans_  
_And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams_  
_And it's blue_  
_And it's blue_

_Everything is grey_  
_His hair, his smoke, his dreams_  
_And now he's so devoid of color_  
_He don't know what it means_  
_And he's blue_  
_And he's blue_

Slowly, Remus worked his way out of the guilt and self-blame that followed the end of his relationship. He worked his way out of the world he had built where blues and grays melted together into a monochrome world. He didn't reach out to Sirius again, knowing that the friendship they had once had was too damaged to be saved, but he did watch his hometown's news carefully - the police blotter and the obituaries - for signs of his former friend. 

_I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old_


End file.
